There’s a new article in Nutrition journal where scientists have found that drinking is good for the health of women’s bones. The study found that “moderate” beer drinkers had superior bone density. Let me be the first to thank these jack-ass scientists for giving women a free pass to FattyVille. This is equivalent to 5 DRINKS A DAY. This leaves us with at least 3 types of lovely ladies who adhere to this rule:
THE MEAN DRUNK:
Now she’s not just going to be a mean drunk. She’s going to be a constant drunk, made ever-more bitter by the fact that she’s huge but given scientific ammo to keep it up. “You’re useless! You never take out the garbage. Get me another Guinness for my bone density!”
THE DEPRESSED DRUNK:
She already loved a pity party; now it’s a pitty-the-pounds party. “You never support me. Everything I do is for you and you’re so selfish! I’m even working on my bone density for you, and it’s made me FAT. Get me another Guinness!”
THE BLASÉ DRUNK:
She’s happy-go-lucky, and it used to be fun. Now it’s TONS of fun and she couldn’t care less about the extra baggage. “Let’s go to the bar and work on my bone density. Then you can bury your bone in all of my new density! Get me a Guinness and we’ll paint this town fat! Aren’t I a fun pig to be with?!”
Nope. You ladies are like the 7 Dwarves of drunk fatties. But at least your god damn Lovely Bones (“Babe, it’s being made into a movie! Get me another Guinness!”) will be dense.
You scientists are fucking up the natural balance. You must really hate yourselves to be spreading this kind of news. Nazis.
Read the full boozy breakdown.
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