Youk, dude, what’s happenin’? Things are a little crazy right now, huh? Charging the mound, getting thrown at constantly, and not to mention being 7 games back in the AL East and losing 2 out of 3 to the Yankees this weekend. That’s enough to make anyone sweat. But you, sir, have taken sweating to new levels.
I was watching the game a few nights ago and you once again had to back off the plate about 6 times during one at-bat in order to wipe your brow. I could water my garden with the amount of shit coming off of your head. Disgusting. And I’ve seen the same from you in Colorado in October and Boston in April, so temperature is not your enemy. For you, it is always sweating season.
So what can we do? Here are some suggestions:
1) Try wearing a hat under your helmet. It worked for me in little league.
2) Donate the sweat to children in Africa who are too poor to sweat.
3) Sell the sweat as an energy drink. “Jewce,” anyone?
4) Shave that shit off your face. It’s like having a sweater for your lip year-round. Let that bitch breathe.
5) Cut your pants into shorts. Trust me, that won’t look gay at all.
This is baseball, a sport where people chew tobacco while on the job. It’s one step away from smoking cigarettes in the batter’s box and you are up there just huffing and puffing like you’re in an Ironman in Hawaii. Fucking shit man, get a grip.
-Cbizzy, contributing writer
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