Last evening, the South Shore National (from Staten Island) and the Somerset Hills, New Jersey little league teams got their last bits of rest before the northeast showdown tonight that will put one team in the Little League World Series. The news coming out of Staten Island was considerate, yet tense. Eleven-year old Todd Zacharino might’ve stated it best in his succinct summary:
“Fuck New Jersey. Honestly. Fuck ‘em. Hair-gel loving, greased up scumbags. Staten Island, bitches!!”
About 50 miles away in Somerset, the mood was serious. Ten-year old Scotty Francello obviously knew the importance of the game:
“Staten Island has a lot of heart and intelligence. I mean, everybody knows that only mentally retarded kids who love hair gel live in Staten Island. It’s basically an island full of garbage and mental retards. So we appreciate the fact that they’d show their disgusting retard faces tonight as we show the world why THEY, and NOT NEW JERSEY, are the armpit of the world. Honestly, fuck Staten Island.”
The harsh words go back hundreds of years, as both species have been in an everlasting battle to prove that their territories are not full of douchebags who love hair gel, annoyingly hitting on women, overcrowding Manhattan bars and clubs, and generally adding to the world’s human pollution. It had been thought that the world of sports might help overcome these hardships, but the character of both areas is clearly engrained into the youth of the area. Will evolution ever occur? One man we spoke with, Long Island native Michael Rosario, has hope:
“The things with dese kids, dese Staten Island/New Jersey natives… is fuck ‘em. They’re just hair-gel lovin’ scum. Ask my girlfriend Gina. Yo GINA!! She ain’t here right now. STRONG ISLAND!!!”
So who will win? Experts agree, it’s not the other 99% of the country.
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