THICK HEADS- The Strip

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LOSE WEIGHT "MAGICALLY"!!

It seems the company Ardyss has made the Body Magic girdle, which costs $150 and sucks your body into better shape through pain and agony.

Hmm, it chokes your stomach so you can't eat? Yes, this is a terrific buy for the completely untaimed eater (aka, an elephant or other mammal without reasoning abilities). But you don't need to spend $150 on something that makes you so uncomfortable you can't eat. Try any of these "magical" solutions for under $30:

-Instead of wrapping your midsection in a cast, wrap a towel around your mouth. And no, don't dip the towel in chocolate. I'm aware that this is a delicacy in the south. But if you can read this, you're not from the south. Because you can read.

-Have your husband/wife buy a pad-lock for the fridge. Of course, a true fatty will try to gnaw through the metal, but that will merely end in a toothless fatty. Result? The toothless fatty can now only drink liquids, which will lead to weight loss. Win-win.

-Show some restraint. Now hold on. I know this sounds utterly insane, but hear me out fatterson. Sometimes when we see things, we don't have to put them in our mouth. Sometimes we can just say, "Oh that looks good. I'll have a banana and a glass of water instead." And things like cell phones, small animals, and your left hand actually aren't supposed to be eaten at all.

But if you want the easy way out, yes, please use this painful body magic girdle. I'm serious. Whatever works. Just don't get depressed when you read this blog and eat your computer. It's full of mercury. Which is NOT a French pastry.

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SCIENTISTS: "FUCK ALL YOU GUYS WHO LIKE SKINNY WOMEN."

There’s a new article in Nutrition journal where scientists have found that drinking is good for the health of women’s bones. The study found that “moderate” beer drinkers had superior bone density. Let me be the first to thank these jack-ass scientists for giving women a free pass to FattyVille. This is equivalent to 5 DRINKS A DAY. This leaves us with at least 3 types of lovely ladies who adhere to this rule:

THE MEAN DRUNK:
Now she’s not just going to be a mean drunk. She’s going to be a constant drunk, made ever-more bitter by the fact that she’s huge but given scientific ammo to keep it up. “You’re useless! You never take out the garbage. Get me another Guinness for my bone density!”

THE DEPRESSED DRUNK:
She already loved a pity party; now it’s a pitty-the-pounds party. “You never support me. Everything I do is for you and you’re so selfish! I’m even working on my bone density for you, and it’s made me FAT. Get me another Guinness!”

THE BLASÉ DRUNK:
She’s happy-go-lucky, and it used to be fun. Now it’s TONS of fun and she couldn’t care less about the extra baggage. “Let’s go to the bar and work on my bone density. Then you can bury your bone in all of my new density! Get me a Guinness and we’ll paint this town fat! Aren’t I a fun pig to be with?!”

Nope. You ladies are like the 7 Dwarves of drunk fatties. But at least your god damn Lovely Bones (“Babe, it’s being made into a movie! Get me another Guinness!”) will be dense.

You scientists are fucking up the natural balance. You must really hate yourselves to be spreading this kind of news. Nazis.

Read the full boozy breakdown.

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