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Showing posts with label office humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label office humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
SHORT PEOPLE: “WE’VE ALWAYS BEEN TREATED WORSE THAN OTHERS.” BLACK PEOPLE: “REALLY??”
ABC recently reported on a University of Michigan survey, which finds that short people are just as well-adjusted as the rest of us. In response many short people have sent their horror stories to ABC. To summarize, this article is full of whiny people with low self-esteem and “must fight someone” attitudes. It’s actually angering to read. So you’re short, eh? Well, better pack it in! This life is clearly over. I mean, how could a short person EVER overcome such indignities?? Being called, “Shorty”? Ohhh, the horror! Lemme tell you something, I dated a girl that was nicknamed “Shorty.” She’s totally normal and has had a wonderful life. And never once did she ask to sit on my shoulders so that she could see the parade.
Men in this article complain that “it’s hard to get a girl” being so short. And “I didn’t feel masculine when I was younger.” I honestly don’t think you’re trying very hard. If I’m that short, I walk into every bar with an attitude like my dick is 10 inches long, and I whisper to every tall girl, “I’ll never go down on you. I’ll always stand up.” BOOM! That line is golden, one. And two, it sets you up as either hilarious, lovable, or at the very least a man who takes action.
Play the cards you were given, little man. Mugsy Bogues and Mini Me aren’t bitching about it. One person in the article had the audacity to say being short is “akin to being disabled.” Hmmm… so you’d rather have those little legs of yours chopped off and replaced with a wheelchair? “Stephen Hawking: Deal … or No Deal??” Deal, bitches. That argument is wack.
I agree that it’s not ideal. It probably isn’t that cool to have to buy your pants in the children’s section. And you’re right, it will never be an advantage trying to get laid with glow-in-the-dark Spiderman underwear on, but on the 99% of nights that you go home alone, it’ll be fuckin’ AWESOME to have that underwear on! So suck it up and think of your sippie-cup as half full.
This article really irked me, so I apologize if my attitude seems a little short today.
He he he…
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009
SCIENTISTS: "FUCK ALL YOU GUYS WHO LIKE SKINNY WOMEN."
There’s a new article in Nutrition journal where scientists have found that drinking is good for the health of women’s bones. The study found that “moderate” beer drinkers had superior bone density. Let me be the first to thank these jack-ass scientists for giving women a free pass to FattyVille. This is equivalent to 5 DRINKS A DAY. This leaves us with at least 3 types of lovely ladies who adhere to this rule:
THE MEAN DRUNK:
Now she’s not just going to be a mean drunk. She’s going to be a constant drunk, made ever-more bitter by the fact that she’s huge but given scientific ammo to keep it up. “You’re useless! You never take out the garbage. Get me another Guinness for my bone density!”
THE DEPRESSED DRUNK:
She already loved a pity party; now it’s a pitty-the-pounds party. “You never support me. Everything I do is for you and you’re so selfish! I’m even working on my bone density for you, and it’s made me FAT. Get me another Guinness!”
THE BLASÉ DRUNK:
She’s happy-go-lucky, and it used to be fun. Now it’s TONS of fun and she couldn’t care less about the extra baggage. “Let’s go to the bar and work on my bone density. Then you can bury your bone in all of my new density! Get me a Guinness and we’ll paint this town fat! Aren’t I a fun pig to be with?!”
Nope. You ladies are like the 7 Dwarves of drunk fatties. But at least your god damn Lovely Bones (“Babe, it’s being made into a movie! Get me another Guinness!”) will be dense.
You scientists are fucking up the natural balance. You must really hate yourselves to be spreading this kind of news. Nazis.
Read the full boozy breakdown.
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009
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