I.A.A.F. TO FEMALE RUNNER: “YOU’RE VERY GOOD. DO YOU HAVE A DICK?”

Caster Semenya, 18, a South African female runner, won the 800 meters race at this week’s world championships, prompting the IAAF (International Association of Athletics Federation) to ask for a gender test.

Oh, Witty Digz, you dick (no pun intended). Don’t you see they just want to know how many types of steroids are in her system?

Hmmm. Not according to this gem of a quote:
IAAF spokesman Nick Davies stressed that "it's a medical issue, not an issue of cheating."

Which can also be read:
"We just want to be absolutely sure that there’s no dick."

So congratulations Caster, all of your hard work is about to pay off with the most embarrassing month of your life. Why do I say a month? According to the IAAF, the test is “extremely complex” with “very long reports.”

Wait, here’s an idea. Pull down her fucking pants! Is there a dick? Is she packin’ heat? Can you tell the time by how the sun’s shadow hits the ground off of her penis?? NO? She’s a chick!

However, if a cock unfurls and thumps to the ground … oorrrr, saayyyy, two African nuts are taped between her butt cheeks, well, then I guess she is a god damn man.

How much are you paying for all of these tests? I can send you my address. Pay me half and I’ll grab her shorts with BBQ tongs and rip ‘em down.

By the way, “International Association of Athletics Federation”??? Do you really need to be an Association AND a Federation? Fuck off. Who’s running this circus?



P.S. I bet she has a dick!

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SHORT PEOPLE: “WE’VE ALWAYS BEEN TREATED WORSE THAN OTHERS.” BLACK PEOPLE: “REALLY??”

ABC recently reported on a University of Michigan survey, which finds that short people are just as well-adjusted as the rest of us. In response many short people have sent their horror stories to ABC. To summarize, this article is full of whiny people with low self-esteem and “must fight someone” attitudes. It’s actually angering to read. So you’re short, eh? Well, better pack it in! This life is clearly over. I mean, how could a short person EVER overcome such indignities?? Being called, “Shorty”? Ohhh, the horror! Lemme tell you something, I dated a girl that was nicknamed “Shorty.” She’s totally normal and has had a wonderful life. And never once did she ask to sit on my shoulders so that she could see the parade.

Men in this article complain that “it’s hard to get a girl” being so short. And “I didn’t feel masculine when I was younger.” I honestly don’t think you’re trying very hard. If I’m that short, I walk into every bar with an attitude like my dick is 10 inches long, and I whisper to every tall girl, “I’ll never go down on you. I’ll always stand up.” BOOM! That line is golden, one. And two, it sets you up as either hilarious, lovable, or at the very least a man who takes action.

Play the cards you were given, little man. Mugsy Bogues and Mini Me aren’t bitching about it. One person in the article had the audacity to say being short is “akin to being disabled.” Hmmm… so you’d rather have those little legs of yours chopped off and replaced with a wheelchair? “Stephen Hawking: Deal … or No Deal??” Deal, bitches. That argument is wack.

I agree that it’s not ideal. It probably isn’t that cool to have to buy your pants in the children’s section. And you’re right, it will never be an advantage trying to get laid with glow-in-the-dark Spiderman underwear on, but on the 99% of nights that you go home alone, it’ll be fuckin’ AWESOME to have that underwear on! So suck it up and think of your sippie-cup as half full.

This article really irked me, so I apologize if my attitude seems a little short today.

He he he…

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