VERMONT MAN LOVES TOILET, HATES SON.

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!! Local Vershire, VT. drunkard, Nazeih Hammouri, has been arrested for stabbing his 19-year old son over a clogged toilet. Obviously, the stabbing weapon of choice was a corkscrew. Hey Nazeih, next time you’re going to get shit-faced on wine, just take the bag out of the box. If you slap someone with a huge bag of wine, it hurts. But does it leave a mark? Maybe not.

Just judging by my own levels of drunkenness, I'm assuming this guy shit-bombed the dickens out of his own toilet, completely forgot about it, blamed his son, and then cork-stabbed him. Awesome. "How's your week going? Mine SUCKS."

On the plus side for his son, many backwoods drunks probably stab their children with their penises instead of actual weapons.

So congratulations to you, Nazeih’s son, on not being banged by your father! Cheers!

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

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THE HOFF GETS OFF... THE WAGON.

It seems the sad tale of David Hasselhoff's booze abuse has taken another turn for the worse. His daughter, who continually calls the cops on his drunk ass, had to do it again this past weekend at their Cali home.

Of course, there is another way to look at this: Don't fucking tell David Hasselhoff how to live his life! That's Michael Knight you're talking about. The man is a superhero in Germany for his MUSICAL abilities. His job used to be to sit next to Pam Anderson. And not Pam Anderson now. Pam Anderson when her vagina was more pristine than the hands of God. And now he's the judge of "America's Got Talent." You know who's got talent? David Hasselhoff. The man magically continues to pull off getting shit-faced when the whole world is trying to stop him. Suck on that, David Blaine. So everyone, just leave the Hoff alone.... because I have him in my celebrity Death Pool. I need this.

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

Hell of a Night, Part II

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

Hell of a night.

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SCIENTISTS: "FUCK ALL YOU GUYS WHO LIKE SKINNY WOMEN."

There’s a new article in Nutrition journal where scientists have found that drinking is good for the health of women’s bones. The study found that “moderate” beer drinkers had superior bone density. Let me be the first to thank these jack-ass scientists for giving women a free pass to FattyVille. This is equivalent to 5 DRINKS A DAY. This leaves us with at least 3 types of lovely ladies who adhere to this rule:

THE MEAN DRUNK:
Now she’s not just going to be a mean drunk. She’s going to be a constant drunk, made ever-more bitter by the fact that she’s huge but given scientific ammo to keep it up. “You’re useless! You never take out the garbage. Get me another Guinness for my bone density!”

THE DEPRESSED DRUNK:
She already loved a pity party; now it’s a pitty-the-pounds party. “You never support me. Everything I do is for you and you’re so selfish! I’m even working on my bone density for you, and it’s made me FAT. Get me another Guinness!”

THE BLASÉ DRUNK:
She’s happy-go-lucky, and it used to be fun. Now it’s TONS of fun and she couldn’t care less about the extra baggage. “Let’s go to the bar and work on my bone density. Then you can bury your bone in all of my new density! Get me a Guinness and we’ll paint this town fat! Aren’t I a fun pig to be with?!”

Nope. You ladies are like the 7 Dwarves of drunk fatties. But at least your god damn Lovely Bones (“Babe, it’s being made into a movie! Get me another Guinness!”) will be dense.

You scientists are fucking up the natural balance. You must really hate yourselves to be spreading this kind of news. Nazis.

Read the full boozy breakdown.

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