WOMAN WATCHES T.V., PICKS TRASH, ENDS UP WITH BETTER LIFE THAN ME.

NEW YORK – Who says television's bad for you?

Justine Faeth's favorite show is "Law & Order Special Victims Unit." The Manhattan office assistant recently used sleuthing skills she picked up from the show to help police catch a man accused of a string of robberies.

The suspect walked into the production company where Faeth works. Police say he stole an employee's purse, an iPod and a wallet. Before leaving, he drank water and blew his nose. Faeth saved the cup and tissue. Investigators used DNA samples from the items to track down and arrest a suspect.

On Thursday, Faeth appeared on NBC's "Today" show. Actress Mariska Hargitay, who plays a "Law & Order" detective, called in to express her "awe." They even discussed the possibility of Faeth doing a walk-on.

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Oh. My bad. I didn’t realize that picking the fucking trash was heroic. Yesterday I read about a homeless girl who got an internship with Elle Magazine and today this. What the balls do I have to do to improve my own life, where by all accounts nothing I do can dramatically improve my work life, social life, housing situation, or the fact that I’ve never had 15 minutes of fame. Cuz listen, I’ve put lots of tissues in the trash that have potential evidence on them. And I didn’t know being able to blog while homeless meant you deserve an “opportunity”. Shit, I’ll spoon a homeless drunk guy tonight and “tweet” about how bad I smell while he dreams of hot fires in garbage cans.

Not to mention, she did this by watching Law & Order. So watching Law & Order = Crime-fighter.

I guess tomorrow I will start…

• Drinking scotch and banging secretaries on Madison Avenue tomorrow.

• Cooking meth to save money for my family in case of emergency.

• Hooking up with Bret Michaels on the tour bus.

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

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FULL-COLOR FRIDAYS, BITCHES!

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WIKIPEDIA TO EDIT. WHICH REMINDS ME ...

Wikipedia, the wildly popular user-submitted encyclopedia, has decided to add a layer of editorial review in order to provide more accuracy. And uhhh, I'm not saying I'm a liar, but if they decide to take this thing a step further and prosecute anyone for false allegations, there's a few things I'd like to apologize for, Wiki readers.

AHEM... I remorsefully admit that the below "facts" are not true:

1) “Titties” is the capital of Tunisia (but I do want to live there).

2) The average height of a Chinese person is 2’4”.

3) Governer David Patterson has been on more blind dates than anyone ever.

4) Bubble gum causes AIDS.

5) Ted Kennedy just died … of bubble gum AIDS.

6) Midgets are delivered by scarecrows, not storks.

7) Men can also get orgasms sitting on the drying machine.
(you can hop off now, Jonas Brothers)

8) Syracuse, NY is "officially" God's country (but it is).

9) The Taliban originated in New Jersey.

10) Condoms don’t work in Staten Island.

11) The Transformers movie is a documentary about RuPaul.

12) Hustler is a specialty mag for people who play dice in back-alleys.

13) Hand-jobs are legal in churches.

14) The middle finger is the official state bird of Utah.


Okay, I think that’s everything. Oh, shit …


15) “Dildo” is the Spanish term for taco (so stop ordering dildos at Taco Bell).


Yeah. Yeah, that’s everything. What the hell am I supposed to do after work now?

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PITINO: "LET'S CLEAR THE AIR-BORTION."

"Look that way, I'm gonna bang my non-wife!"



Rick Pitino is back at it, clearing his good name in reference to his sex scandal. To quote:

"Everything that's been printed, everything that's been reported, everything that's been breaking in the news on the day Ted Kennedy died is 100 percent a lie, a lie," Pitino said. "All of this has been a lie, a total fabrication of the truth."

Yes, it's all been a lie... except you definitely banged that woman in the back of a nasty, dirty restaurant, possibly gave her a semen-spoonful of child, and then definitely gave her money for an abortion. But everything ELSE... is totally false. "She said I gave her a back-rub. FALSE. She mentioned a kiss. NEVER HAPPENED. I reiterate... the only thing I ever did was pull out a huge dildo, bang this girl on top of a turkey club sandwich, and then make it rain sweet abortion cash all over her body."

He went on to say that "We need to get on with the important things in life ... like basketball." Really? Basketball? I mean, yeah, March Madness is the sweetest thing ever created this side of a woman, but ... shit .... maybe he's right on that one.

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

I Heart NY

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WHAT THE FUCKY KENTUCKY? PRISON GOES UP IN SMOKE.

That’s right, everyone’s favorite nicotine treats are partly to blame for an insane riot at a Kentucky prison this weekend, causing prison officials to ban smoking after multiple fires were set inside.

Now this isn’t like, “My grandpa fell asleep in the barcalounger and dropped his cigarette on the newspaper.” No, this is more, “Crazy Eddie dropped his matches in a bucket of gasoline that his wife brought in through clenched ass-cheeks and then people were hit in the face with bricks, three guys got ass-raped, and Fat Tony now breathes through his dick-hole.”

As someone who despises smoking, I think this is a great opportunity to change the warning labels on cigarette packaging.

WARNING: Smoking is harmful to your health and may cause cancer or anal prison rape.


-CNunz, Contributing Writer

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JESSICA BIEL SPREADS DISEASE, BUT NOT LEGS.

A recent study found that Jessica Biel is giving men everywhere dirty viruses, but refusing to fuck them. Yes, 1 in 5 Biel searches online yields some sort of security threat to computers, but 0 in every 300,000 men who search for her actually end up having intercourse.

One desperate Biel searcher, Neo4569, summed up his frustrations by saying, “I’ve searched for Jessica at her home, at her fitness club, at movie premieres, at Justin’s house… even at restaurants I know she’s been to. And the only place I ever actually find her is on the Internet. And this is how she repays me?! If you’re out there reading this, I’m very hurt, Jingle Bells.”

Neo4569 declined to comment on the virus Ms. Biel gave him, but he verified that it was not herpes and that he in fact has never touched the female anatomy.


Editorial note: Searching for these pictures was absolutely awful.

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

Good suggestions

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MEXICO TO ITSELF: “AH, FUCK IT.”

Mexico has decided to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana, heroine, cocaine, and meth. So congratulations, southern California! Now all the landscaping crews will be completely bat-shit crazy by the time they get to your hedges.

Really, Mexico? Things are going so well down there that this is your best move?

Let’s picture countries as women. America might be a brunette with cowboy boots and denim jeans (and if we’re being completely honest, she’s probably 35 pounds overweight and knows all the local Walmart employees by their first names).

Spain: Hottie with jet-black hair and a gorgeous accent.

France: Skinny. Pit-hair. Cigarette. Fuck-you accent. Afraid of war.

You see what’s happening here? Each woman is different, and some are better than others. But none of them have a damn thing to worry about, because Miss Mexico is a toothless, hairless, meth-addicted freak-show (also known as “Joba Chamberlain’s mother”).

God, I wanted America to be hot, too. But this country is just fat.

-Witty Digz, CNunz- Contributing Writer

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MAN LOVES PUSSY. HATES CATS.

An NYC graphic designer, Sean Lynde, was recently arrested by the NYPD for methodically murdering his girlfriend’s cats after moving in with her. As in, killing 4 cats over a period of 4 months.

First of all, people that kill animals are the same types that end up killing humans so this dude is obviously a loose cannon (if he’s guilty). But his girlfriend isn’t that smart, either. She adopted 4 more cats within a 2-month period of the first murders! That’s like saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, someone punches me in the dick … I think I’ll have a Chalupa tonight.”

Why do I have a feeling that the cats are just killing themselves because this couple is so horrible in the first place?

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

I'm down!

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MICHAEL BEASLEY GOING TO TWITTER-HAB

After a wild weekend of showing off his new tattoo on Twitter, then being outed for having what looks to be a bag of drugs in that pic, and then answering the resulting critiques via Twitter with seemingly suicidal tweets, Miami Heat guard Michael Beasley is entering into Twitter rehab.

NBA officials commented swiftly with support. “Michael is a young guy in the league and he looks up to other athletes like The Real Shaq and Terrell Owens. But the fact is, he started Twittering too much, too fast, and he lost control. We’re happy that he’s taken the proper actions to reverse this vicious cycle.”

The Real Shaq, formerly also of the Heat, tweeted his own concern. “Michael’s facing a life-long battle now. Every time he goes to the bathroom, or takes a breath of air, or gets into a limousine … he’s going to want to tweet. And he just can’t go back down that road.”

Beasley was reportedly set to throw out his telephone, home computer, blackberry, smart phone, iPod Touch, beeper, traveling laptop, personal calculator, and any other device that can spell words by typing in order to stay clean.

However, some are already doubting his earnestness. “He thinks it’s a joke. I saw him entering the Twit-habilitation facility,” a concerned fan said outside of the Heat arena. “He was wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Rehab is For Twitters.’”

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KEVIN YOUKILIS, PROFESSIONAL SWEAT-HOG.

Youk, dude, what’s happenin’? Things are a little crazy right now, huh? Charging the mound, getting thrown at constantly, and not to mention being 7 games back in the AL East and losing 2 out of 3 to the Yankees this weekend. That’s enough to make anyone sweat. But you, sir, have taken sweating to new levels.

I was watching the game a few nights ago and you once again had to back off the plate about 6 times during one at-bat in order to wipe your brow. I could water my garden with the amount of shit coming off of your head. Disgusting. And I’ve seen the same from you in Colorado in October and Boston in April, so temperature is not your enemy. For you, it is always sweating season.

So what can we do? Here are some suggestions:

1) Try wearing a hat under your helmet. It worked for me in little league.

2) Donate the sweat to children in Africa who are too poor to sweat.

3) Sell the sweat as an energy drink. “Jewce,” anyone?

4) Shave that shit off your face. It’s like having a sweater for your lip year-round. Let that bitch breathe.

5) Cut your pants into shorts. Trust me, that won’t look gay at all.

This is baseball, a sport where people chew tobacco while on the job. It’s one step away from smoking cigarettes in the batter’s box and you are up there just huffing and puffing like you’re in an Ironman in Hawaii. Fucking shit man, get a grip.

-Cbizzy, contributing writer

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

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I.A.A.F. TO FEMALE RUNNER: “YOU’RE VERY GOOD. DO YOU HAVE A DICK?”

Caster Semenya, 18, a South African female runner, won the 800 meters race at this week’s world championships, prompting the IAAF (International Association of Athletics Federation) to ask for a gender test.

Oh, Witty Digz, you dick (no pun intended). Don’t you see they just want to know how many types of steroids are in her system?

Hmmm. Not according to this gem of a quote:
IAAF spokesman Nick Davies stressed that "it's a medical issue, not an issue of cheating."

Which can also be read:
"We just want to be absolutely sure that there’s no dick."

So congratulations Caster, all of your hard work is about to pay off with the most embarrassing month of your life. Why do I say a month? According to the IAAF, the test is “extremely complex” with “very long reports.”

Wait, here’s an idea. Pull down her fucking pants! Is there a dick? Is she packin’ heat? Can you tell the time by how the sun’s shadow hits the ground off of her penis?? NO? She’s a chick!

However, if a cock unfurls and thumps to the ground … oorrrr, saayyyy, two African nuts are taped between her butt cheeks, well, then I guess she is a god damn man.

How much are you paying for all of these tests? I can send you my address. Pay me half and I’ll grab her shorts with BBQ tongs and rip ‘em down.

By the way, “International Association of Athletics Federation”??? Do you really need to be an Association AND a Federation? Fuck off. Who’s running this circus?



P.S. I bet she has a dick!

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

Mustachioed douche

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SHORT PEOPLE: “WE’VE ALWAYS BEEN TREATED WORSE THAN OTHERS.” BLACK PEOPLE: “REALLY??”

ABC recently reported on a University of Michigan survey, which finds that short people are just as well-adjusted as the rest of us. In response many short people have sent their horror stories to ABC. To summarize, this article is full of whiny people with low self-esteem and “must fight someone” attitudes. It’s actually angering to read. So you’re short, eh? Well, better pack it in! This life is clearly over. I mean, how could a short person EVER overcome such indignities?? Being called, “Shorty”? Ohhh, the horror! Lemme tell you something, I dated a girl that was nicknamed “Shorty.” She’s totally normal and has had a wonderful life. And never once did she ask to sit on my shoulders so that she could see the parade.

Men in this article complain that “it’s hard to get a girl” being so short. And “I didn’t feel masculine when I was younger.” I honestly don’t think you’re trying very hard. If I’m that short, I walk into every bar with an attitude like my dick is 10 inches long, and I whisper to every tall girl, “I’ll never go down on you. I’ll always stand up.” BOOM! That line is golden, one. And two, it sets you up as either hilarious, lovable, or at the very least a man who takes action.

Play the cards you were given, little man. Mugsy Bogues and Mini Me aren’t bitching about it. One person in the article had the audacity to say being short is “akin to being disabled.” Hmmm… so you’d rather have those little legs of yours chopped off and replaced with a wheelchair? “Stephen Hawking: Deal … or No Deal??” Deal, bitches. That argument is wack.

I agree that it’s not ideal. It probably isn’t that cool to have to buy your pants in the children’s section. And you’re right, it will never be an advantage trying to get laid with glow-in-the-dark Spiderman underwear on, but on the 99% of nights that you go home alone, it’ll be fuckin’ AWESOME to have that underwear on! So suck it up and think of your sippie-cup as half full.

This article really irked me, so I apologize if my attitude seems a little short today.

He he he…

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FAVRE NOT HUNGRY FOR LUNCH. WAIT, YES HE IS. ACTUALLY, HE’S NOT.

Doctors have determined that Brett Favre is physically well enough to play in the NFL, but that he has the mental decision-making skills of a 7-year old. Dr. Herman Myer described the issue:

“Brett tends to think like a child when it comes behavioral issues such as sharing and decision-making. When someone, sayyy, a Viking or a Jet, shows no interest in Brett, he simply must be a part of it. For instance, if I were a Viking, and I said, ‘Hey Brett, come play with me. Here’s all my toys. Pass me the ball,’… then it’s too easy. Like a toddler, he automatically stops showing interest. But if I say, ‘Brett, you stay over there and take a nap. I’m going to go over HERE and play with some of my other Viking friends. But don’t join us! Just watch.’ Then we see Brett’s behavior change dramatically, and he starts picking up footballs and buying plane tickets and showing up to practice. Really doing anything he can to join the group.”

The behaviors had gone unnoticed in the past due to Brett’s comfort zone in Green Bay. But now, new fears are growing. It was reported by ESPN that during a team dinner last night, other players became furious as Brett held onto the turkey platter for over a half-hour, unable to decide if he wanted it.

Tavaris Jackson unloaded to reporters.

“Dude’s straight trippin’! He’s holding the turkey but not taking anything. So I politely said, ‘Hey Brett. I’ll have some turkey.’ But then when I reached for it, he started kicking and screaming. He said that HE wanted the turkey. So I was just like, ‘Fine, man. Whatever. I’ll have some cranberries.’ And then Brett dropped the turkey and jumped for the cranberries!”

Coach Brad Childress isn’t worried.

“The poor guy’s in a new place. He’ll adjust. I’ve already told my receiving core, just run down the field and yell to Brett that the ball has cooties, and that you definitely DON’T want the ball thrown to you in the endzone. And I’ll tell you what. In practice, he’s 10 for 10 on touchdown throws. Now tonight, if we can get him to eat less sugar and go to sleep on time, I think we'll be in great shape.”

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

Beauty Is In the Eye...

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SCIENTISTS: "FUCK ALL YOU GUYS WHO LIKE SKINNY WOMEN."

There’s a new article in Nutrition journal where scientists have found that drinking is good for the health of women’s bones. The study found that “moderate” beer drinkers had superior bone density. Let me be the first to thank these jack-ass scientists for giving women a free pass to FattyVille. This is equivalent to 5 DRINKS A DAY. This leaves us with at least 3 types of lovely ladies who adhere to this rule:

THE MEAN DRUNK:
Now she’s not just going to be a mean drunk. She’s going to be a constant drunk, made ever-more bitter by the fact that she’s huge but given scientific ammo to keep it up. “You’re useless! You never take out the garbage. Get me another Guinness for my bone density!”

THE DEPRESSED DRUNK:
She already loved a pity party; now it’s a pitty-the-pounds party. “You never support me. Everything I do is for you and you’re so selfish! I’m even working on my bone density for you, and it’s made me FAT. Get me another Guinness!”

THE BLASÉ DRUNK:
She’s happy-go-lucky, and it used to be fun. Now it’s TONS of fun and she couldn’t care less about the extra baggage. “Let’s go to the bar and work on my bone density. Then you can bury your bone in all of my new density! Get me a Guinness and we’ll paint this town fat! Aren’t I a fun pig to be with?!”

Nope. You ladies are like the 7 Dwarves of drunk fatties. But at least your god damn Lovely Bones (“Babe, it’s being made into a movie! Get me another Guinness!”) will be dense.

You scientists are fucking up the natural balance. You must really hate yourselves to be spreading this kind of news. Nazis.

Read the full boozy breakdown.

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