WOMAN WATCHES T.V., PICKS TRASH, ENDS UP WITH BETTER LIFE THAN ME.

NEW YORK – Who says television's bad for you?

Justine Faeth's favorite show is "Law & Order Special Victims Unit." The Manhattan office assistant recently used sleuthing skills she picked up from the show to help police catch a man accused of a string of robberies.

The suspect walked into the production company where Faeth works. Police say he stole an employee's purse, an iPod and a wallet. Before leaving, he drank water and blew his nose. Faeth saved the cup and tissue. Investigators used DNA samples from the items to track down and arrest a suspect.

On Thursday, Faeth appeared on NBC's "Today" show. Actress Mariska Hargitay, who plays a "Law & Order" detective, called in to express her "awe." They even discussed the possibility of Faeth doing a walk-on.

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Oh. My bad. I didn’t realize that picking the fucking trash was heroic. Yesterday I read about a homeless girl who got an internship with Elle Magazine and today this. What the balls do I have to do to improve my own life, where by all accounts nothing I do can dramatically improve my work life, social life, housing situation, or the fact that I’ve never had 15 minutes of fame. Cuz listen, I’ve put lots of tissues in the trash that have potential evidence on them. And I didn’t know being able to blog while homeless meant you deserve an “opportunity”. Shit, I’ll spoon a homeless drunk guy tonight and “tweet” about how bad I smell while he dreams of hot fires in garbage cans.

Not to mention, she did this by watching Law & Order. So watching Law & Order = Crime-fighter.

I guess tomorrow I will start…

• Drinking scotch and banging secretaries on Madison Avenue tomorrow.

• Cooking meth to save money for my family in case of emergency.

• Hooking up with Bret Michaels on the tour bus.

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

I'm down!

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METH + DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE + MURDER ACCUSATIONS = NASCAR!

Ahhh, sometimes the stories just write them-fucking-selves. The mother-in-law of NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield – Lisa Mayfield – was arrested for ranting and raving while trying to break his door down … while high on methamphetamines. She also accused Mayfield of formerly cooking his own meth, a tale which is all but backed up by the fact that he was suspended by NASCAR in May for testing positive for … wait for it … METH!

Jeremy denies it, and on top of that accuses Lisa of murdering his father.

How much are fans paying to get shit-faced and watch these cars go in circles? I would assume they can stand outside of the Mayfield home for $Free.99 and have waaaay more fun. How much harder can you fucking work to nail down the NASCAR fan stereotype as 100% true? I suppose she could’ve shown up shirtless with pasty, gross breasts hanging out, and when the cops arrived she could’ve been banging the neighbor’s dog. And then Jeremy could’ve shown up and the crew for Cops could’ve arrived. And then Jeremy could’ve ended up making out with his mother-in-law. And then Jeff Gordon could’ve rode in on a unicorn.

FACT: The only part of that shit that really seems out of the question is the unicorn. And THAT is how you know the NASCAR fan stereotype is alive and well … and high as shit on meth.

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