SPENCER PRATT: "I PROMISE TO HEID MY SPERM."

Well informed, the couple tries to stop the spread of themselves to others.

Spencer Pratt reports to the world that he is withholding sex because he’s afraid that she’ll get pregnant by getting off the pill without telling him. Jesus Christ! Even Spencer knows how fucking awful it would be if these two fuck-tards procreated!

TOP 5 SIGNS YOU’RE A LOSER:

5) You refer to yourself and your wife as “Speidi.”

4) Your biggest life accomplishment is having no friends.

3) You de-friend yourself from Brody Jenner’s pussy posse. Seriously. That dude
gets ass and you could’ve had the leftovers.

2) Your wife does Playboy… without getting naked. Way to keep your dignity, Heidi.
I’d rather beat off to those Nat. Geo. pics of the African women.

1) You can’t bear the thought of creating a baby in your own likeness.

Spencer also mentions in the article that he’d love to go on a double-date with the Obamas. Honestly. FUCK YOU. What do you have in common with the president? Is your BMW black?

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PREGNANT CHICK: “MORE SPERM PLEASE!”

A woman in Arkansas has conceived a baby … 2 weeks after conceiving a baby. Yep, her husband plowed through to her eggs on 2 separate occasions, resulting in 2 different pregnancies inside aahhONE vaginski. Or at least that’s the story they’re going with.

I can’t wait until 1 of these babies ends up being black and the other 1 white. I hope they solve racism inside the womb and come out holding hands. Then again, Arkansas IS in the south. Racism has a better chance of ending in Michael Richards’ home than in the south.

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OH MAN, POLANSKI

So Roman Polanski, the famous Director of such films as Rosemary's Baby and The Pianist, finally got arrested for his absurd sex crime in the '70's. "What crime," you say? Well, it's nothing really. You see, he was about 45 years old and he drugged and raped a 13-year old girl. No biggie. He pleaded guilty, but left the U.S. to settle in France before the arraignment. Now France is showing unity in trying to get Polanski off the hook. Question: Why would you want to let a rapist off the hook?! If Michelangelo painted the Sistene Chapel, and celebrated by throwing babies off of the roof, does he get a free pass?

Here's a quote from the article:

"He's a brilliant guy, and he made a little mistake 32 years ago. What a shame for Switzerland," said photographer Otto Weisser, a friend of Polanski.

Yeah, what a fucking shame for Switzerland. I can't believe people would do this to Roman. I mean, forget about the child who was raped by a 40-year old man. Little mistake there. What does it take for you to call something a "big" mistake, sir?

"Did you hear about 9-11?"

"Oh yeah. Awful. What an awful mistake those terrorits made. They need, like, a big hug or something."

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

Laws of Probability.

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VICK GROWS STRONGER. PANTHERS, FALCONS, BEARS, AND JAGUARS FEAR FOR LIFE.

As Michael Vick gets better with each practice, teams like the Broncos, Panthers, and Falcons are starting to worry. In fact, every team with an animal mascot is metaphorically shitting their pants.

One Panthers Defenseman, who prefers to remain anonymous, believes it’s only a matter of time before Vick tries to kill again. “Man, he done fucked them dogs up. As a Panther, I have to be worried for my safety. I’m always on the defensive these days.”

Rabid Cleveland Browns fans, known as “the Dog Pound” reportedly urinated all over the carpet upon hearing of Vick’s return to the NFL. The owner of the Browns immediately pushed their noses in the carpet, yelling, “Bad dogs! You know we don’t play the Eagles this year! Bad!”

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

Bat To the Future.

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Stereotrues

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BANK HEIST FOILED BY FLYING BLUE-HAIR

From the Huffington Post comes sweet footage of a senior citizen taking out a would-be bank robber. This “old man” goes Jimmy Superfly Snuka on the bank robber in an awesome display of don’t-fuck-with-my-benjamins-ism.

You must feel like a heaping pile of FAIL after getting the crap kicked out of you by old man river. But let’s face it, he probably had a ton of Dad Strength built up. And the robber probably only had Baby-Daddy Strength, which is not as strong. And that’s not a comment on race. That’s a comment on people with ghetto strolls who rob banks.

Dad Strength comes from years of putting up with your child’s shit and trying your best to correct his/her idiotic behavior, leading to thick skin and an unconscionable amount hidden muscle. It’s almost as scary as Retard Strength.

Baby-Daddy Strength comes from sinkin’ the missile into the closest skank around, ending up on Maury for a paternity test, and then being taken to court for child support monies, generally leading to a bank heist to support said monies.

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Modern-day romance

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COYOTE UGLY!

Friends have deep concerns that Jessica Simpson is going into deep depression, because her darling Maltipoo dog, Daisy, was … wait for it … taken in a coyote attack! Ahahaha! How fucking random is that?! And apparently, this dog and Jessica Simpson were beeeest friends EVER. I bet they even got their respective periods at the same time.

Simpson is still hopeful to find her beloved friend, which was a gift from Nick Lachey and was her savior after the Tony Romo split. Hey Jessica, there’s been another split recently: YOUR DOG INSIDE OF A COYOTE’S MOUTH. As a dog lover, a part of me feels her pain. But your dog cannot be your best friend, or else you risk your best friend being taken by a fucking coyote. Sure, I’ve been out with friends at bars, and one of them has been dragged away by a Cougar, but that’s different. The Cougar will fuck you and pay for your taxi home. The coyote will just swallow you whole. Actually, a Cougar will do that, too. Hmmm …

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The truth hurts.

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THE HOFF GETS OFF... THE WAGON.

It seems the sad tale of David Hasselhoff's booze abuse has taken another turn for the worse. His daughter, who continually calls the cops on his drunk ass, had to do it again this past weekend at their Cali home.

Of course, there is another way to look at this: Don't fucking tell David Hasselhoff how to live his life! That's Michael Knight you're talking about. The man is a superhero in Germany for his MUSICAL abilities. His job used to be to sit next to Pam Anderson. And not Pam Anderson now. Pam Anderson when her vagina was more pristine than the hands of God. And now he's the judge of "America's Got Talent." You know who's got talent? David Hasselhoff. The man magically continues to pull off getting shit-faced when the whole world is trying to stop him. Suck on that, David Blaine. So everyone, just leave the Hoff alone.... because I have him in my celebrity Death Pool. I need this.

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ODD NEWS STORIES DOWN, BEASTIALITY UP.

I can't find shit to write about. It's like, either the Yankees won a game or someone was raped, killed, and put inside of a wall at Yale. There's no middle ground this week. Why can't Hillary Clinton's tit fall out or something? Hell, at this rate I'll take Rush Limbaugh's tit. Those fucking "tea party" freaks make me want to stab babies. Ignorance is alive and well, and I'd laugh my ass off if it didn't make me want to cry. I don't care if you're for or against health-care, but if you're a fat inbreeder from the South who's waiting for the revival of the KKK, you should probably just shoot yourself in the face instead of continuing to shoot yourself in the foot. Your mouth is either choking on ignorance or a Whopper, and both are unsightly.

I miss the days when Kanye was doing dumb shit. Click on that link. Well worth it. At the same time, you know you're big when the fucking President calls you a jack-ass. You just got presidentially punked, bitch! That's quite an honor.

Then again, he's not the only one getting caught on tape. Legendary NYC anchorman Ernie Anastos is telling co-workers to fuck chickens. At my job, when you talk about chicken fucking, you're referring to Saturday night. I'm not sure what will happen to good ol' Ernie at FOX News.

So in summary, I wish there was more to talk about than beastiality, but sometimes you have to take what you can get. Unless you get AIDS. Then you should really try to trade up.

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Office Morale

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BILLS PLAYER: "WHY DOES MY LAWN LOOK LIKE A RACIAL SLUR?"

Two teens have admitted to defacing Leodis McKelvin’s lawn after his gaffe against New England, running the ball out of the endzone and fumbling for another devastating Bills loss. McKelvin has graciously decided not to press charges.

I’m assuming these kids spray-painted a dick on his lawn or something, but I can only imagine what they would’ve done had they been around for the Norwood wide-right?! We probably would’ve found his corpse bent over a goal post with a penalty flag hanging out of his ass. Oh, you didn't eat lunch yet? Visualize that one with your chicken wrap.

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Friday yet?

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PHILLIE FAN: "MY 2-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS A BITCH."

Hearts break for this grown man today. I was once at Yankee Stadium and a foul ball went off of my hands and fell to the next level. It was nothing but pure embarrassment and shame on my part. And this man selflessly gives up the proudest moment of his life, only to have his cold-hearted kin toss his dreams aside like a cigarette out the window. Someday this girl is going to stomp all over cowardly men who like to be dominated by the women in their lives. If you're reading this, and you're one of those men, now is the time to go home and stand up for yourself. Because this video teaches us one thing: Never hand your balls over to a woman.

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Fo' Swayze

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Kanye to Swayze: "Hold up..."

As a follow-up to all the Kanye ruckus, I don't know who created this, but you sir are a hero. Special thanks to O.P. for the send-along.

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True Story

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KANYE WEST: “I'M ADDICTED TO BEING AN ASSHOLE.”

After Kanye West’s most recent cringe-inducing incident, when he sabotaged young Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at Sunday’s VMA’s, Kanye West came out with a heart-breaking admittance.

“I am, and have been for a long time, addicted to being a complete asshole,” said West, breaking down into tears. “It started when I first learned to rhyme. I remember vividly, I rhymed the word ‘asshole’ with ‘black cole’, and I knew I was better than anyone who had ever been born. Ever since then, every time I speak, I make a delicious new rhyme. Right on time.”

Asked what it would take for him to not act douchey and asshole-ish, West was miffed and immediately burst into rhyme:

“You ask me not be hole full of ass,
but I look in the back of my black Cadillac,
and all I see is a whole boat-full of ass.
Now tell me what I lack?
Man yo’ shit is wack.
I might be an asshole
but you just an ass crack.”

Still crying, he then kicked our reporter in the balls, before tea-bagging him and then autographing his forehead. “I’m sorry, man. I can’t help myself. I am just a huge fucking asshole addict. And I predict your dick gettin’ kicked.” After one more dick kick, Mr. West ran out of the building, hurling bricks at homeless people and small children.

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DEREK JETER: “GEHRIG STILL HAS ME BEAT.”

Last night, Derek Jeter became the New York Yankees all-time hit leader, a feat that should not be minimized when considering all of the Yankee greats he out-hit to get there. Babe, Mantle, Dimaggio, Mattingly, etc. But the always humble Jeter once again shied away from the record, saying that Gehrig will always hold one record over him:

“I have nothing to brag about. It feels good to have the most hits by a Yankee. It really does. But I have more work to do. Until I have a life-threatening disease named after me, I will not be the Greatest Yankee. I wake up in sweats at night, dreaming that someday people will die, or at the very least be wheel-chair ridden, by Derek Jeter’s Disease. That is something that would really put me in the hearts and minds of America and the world.”

Asked to explain these feelings, Jeter continued, “In my mind, Derek Jeter’s Disease, or DJD, as it will be called, would start affecting people by making them nauseous, and eventually, in rare cases, end with a worm that would eat their brains. My team of scientists have yet to figure that last part out. But Lou, if you’re up there, just realize that I’m gunnin’ for ya. You keep me focused, big guy.”

Jeter finished by saying that he’d also like to find an extremely hot relative of Marilyn Monroe and marry, and then divorce her.

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MAN CONFUSES AFFAIR WITH GOOD IDEA. PAYS FOR IT.

An unidentified man in Wisconsin is trying to put 4 women, including his wife, in jail. Why? Because they glued his dick to his stomach! It appears this man was banging all 4 women at once, and they figured it out, then lured him into a motel room and tied him to the bed, eventually gluing his tool to his tummy.

This guy is clearly a scumbag, but these women are also idiots. First of all, if you want to glue a man’s penis to another body part, you should probably wrap it under the testicles and stick it to his asshole. I don’t know, I’m just spit-ballin’ here. Beyond that, it’s probably funnier to stick a cheater’s dick to an inanimate object, like a DICKtionary, or a brick or something.

Hell, if my wife was fucking 3 other dudes and I had the foresight to conjur up a plan like this, I’d super-glue a hungry cat stomach-side down between her tits. Nobody thinks shit through these days...

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

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WHAT A DICK!

Author Naomi Wolf has decided to write a book on the history of the vagina. Well I hate to steal the limelight, but I’ve been working on a short story about the history of the penis as well. Here’s a glimpse…

---------------------------------------

“To understand the up-and-down world of the penis, we must think about its ultimate purpose of being: To touch the Va-Jay-Jay and unleash miniscule babies into it. For a more thorough understanding, I’ve invited Penis into my home for an interview.


WD: How are you penis?

P: Pretty good, pretty good.

WD: Good, you say. Mmmm. But it hasn’t always been this easy has it?


P: No. No, life is often very hard for me.

WD: Tell me more.

P: Well, I’ve suffered a lot of abuse in my life. I’ve been beaten, literally,
millions of times. Just completely battered and bruised for no reason but
some sicko’s get enjoyment out of it. Not to mention the awful diseases
I’ve had to overcome.

WD: Tragic. Yet today, you stand tall in front of me, testicles firmly planted
on the ground. How did you build yourself back up after all of this abuse?

P: Can I be frank? It’s the pussy, Digz. I, uhhh, I’ve been through a LOT. I’ve
been down on my luck, keeping my head down many a times. But I keep coming
back for that fine-ass pussy. As a dick, I hate to admit this. But vagina
makes the world go ‘round.

WD: Fascinating. Now tell me about some real assholes you’ve run into
throughout your life…

-----------------------------------

Uhh… not so fast readers. You’ll have to wait until the book hits the shelves for the full breakdown. BEAT THAT, Naomi Wolf.

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

Hell of a Night, Part II

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Hell of a night.

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PITTSBURGH: WINNING IS FOR LOSERS.

A quick congrats goes out to the Pittsburgh Pirates, who have conquered losing like no other. Their loss yesterday ensured a record 17th straight losing season! Let me put that into perspective for you. The Pittsburg Pirates will now take longer to see a winning season than it took me to lose my virginity.

Not impactful enough of an example? Try this: You and I have learned to eat solid foods, to not shit ourselves, to crawl and walk and talk and read and write and swim and hide an erection and tie our fucking shoes (not in that exact order) in a shorter time-span than its taken the Pirates to go above .500% in a season. Is that sinking in?!?! I went from fetus to legal driver quicker than this!!

Shame on you, Pittsburgh. People with leprosy have lost less than this!

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RUNNIN' RANDALL C.

Before McNabb, before Mike Vick, and before Vince Young, there was Randall Cunningham. God I loved watching this guy when I was younger. He held the ball out like Michael Jackson holds children over balconies. But his lanky ass always got away!

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Fantasy VS. Reality

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REGGIE BUSH - LEGIT HIGHLIGHTS

I'd start this about a minute in. Great highlights of Bush, college-style, plus a soundtrack that makes you want to punch babies for no reason.

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IN HONOR OF FANTASY FOOTBALL...

I'm headed north for the fantasy draft, and in honor of that (and the fact that I won't be able to write articles without internet, and with the drunkenness of a Russian on Christmas morning) I will be posting some bad-ass football footage in the coming days. Today's footage ADRIAN PETERSON wrecks shit on an insane run. Who needs Brett Favre?

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Creativity Omen

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THICK HEADS TAKES A VACATION... LEAVES YOU WITH TREATS

I'm headed north for the fantasy draft, and in honor of that (and the fact that I won't be able to write articles without internet, and with the drunkenness of a Russian on Christmas morning) I will be posting some bad-ass football footage in the coming days. Let's kick it off with the Boise State Fiesta Bowl Highlights. Besides Vince Young in the 2006 Rose Bowl, this might be the best game of all time....



Stay tuned tomorrow for ADP, and more to come before the beginning of the NFL season! Of course, I will resume with comic strips and searching to destroy the rest of the news out there next week. Until then, enjoy the clips and Labor Day. Fuckers.

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MAN GOES SLAP-CRAZY, IS SEEN AS HERO / DICK

In a true gift to Thick Heads, Roger Stephens of Georgia slapped a crying toddler – that was not his and that he did not know – at his local Walmart. Let’s put all the ingredients together here:

1) First we put one cup of The South into a bowl.
2) Add a dash of random slappery.
3) Pour in a dollop of the Walmart slime.
4) Shake accordingly.


If you are punking someone 59 years younger than you who doesn’t yet know how to shit outside of the pants, is that considered bullying? Or just absolute domination? This 61-year old curmudgen actually told the mother, “If you don’t shut her up, I’ll do it for you.” Ha! The balls!

How tense are the dinners at this guy’s house? His wife probably hasn’t shared an opinion in years. I bet he slaps the television when it gets too loud. When his wife orgasms: “Shut up! You’re ruining this for me!” SLAP!

Or maybe… just maybe… he’s doing this for America. For every one of us that’s ever been on a plane, or in a classroom, or at a bar … and just wanted to slap the face off of someone. I mean, the 2-year old was a bad choice, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

In a shocking turn of events, this man did not have a mustache.

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LOSE WEIGHT "MAGICALLY"!!

It seems the company Ardyss has made the Body Magic girdle, which costs $150 and sucks your body into better shape through pain and agony.

Hmm, it chokes your stomach so you can't eat? Yes, this is a terrific buy for the completely untaimed eater (aka, an elephant or other mammal without reasoning abilities). But you don't need to spend $150 on something that makes you so uncomfortable you can't eat. Try any of these "magical" solutions for under $30:

-Instead of wrapping your midsection in a cast, wrap a towel around your mouth. And no, don't dip the towel in chocolate. I'm aware that this is a delicacy in the south. But if you can read this, you're not from the south. Because you can read.

-Have your husband/wife buy a pad-lock for the fridge. Of course, a true fatty will try to gnaw through the metal, but that will merely end in a toothless fatty. Result? The toothless fatty can now only drink liquids, which will lead to weight loss. Win-win.

-Show some restraint. Now hold on. I know this sounds utterly insane, but hear me out fatterson. Sometimes when we see things, we don't have to put them in our mouth. Sometimes we can just say, "Oh that looks good. I'll have a banana and a glass of water instead." And things like cell phones, small animals, and your left hand actually aren't supposed to be eaten at all.

But if you want the easy way out, yes, please use this painful body magic girdle. I'm serious. Whatever works. Just don't get depressed when you read this blog and eat your computer. It's full of mercury. Which is NOT a French pastry.

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THICK HEADS- The Strip

NYC U Later

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FEEL WORSE ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD IN 2 MINUTES

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BOB DYLAN: “IN 1.7 MILES, TAKE A LEFT TO HIGHWAY 61.”

Bob Dylan is in negotiations to be the voice of a GPS system, so next time you’re about to go on a long trip, be sure to get super-duper high. Programmers for the system also recommended starting the directions about 2 hours before actually getting into the car. Asked why that was necessary, Dylan responded, “You know……………………………………………….I’mmmm nooooot suuuuuure.”

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FANTASY FOOTBALL HATER, I HATE YOU.

A recent Time.com article takes shots at Fantasy Footballers and questions whether the industry is healthy for America, saying that "Your draft decisions don't affect reality."

Draft decisions don’t affect reality? How’s this for reality: Every Labor Day weekend, me and 10+ friends meet at a house on the St. Lawrence River for what can only be described as an incredible “fantasy” weekend. Beer pong, golf tournaments, KanJam, cornhole, grilling, booze, the draft, and on and on it goes. Then I go home, and I wait for every Sunday. I now care more about every single NFL game that I ever have. Why? Because there is money on the line. That’s real, a-hole. That's a REAL good weekend that I look forward to for 51 weeks a year.

Then, Sean Gregory (article author), you say fantasy only “bores your non-fantasy friends.” Why the dick would I ever be friends with someone who hates fantasy football?! They’re probably all buying Speedos and heading over to your house for a pillow-fight-and-cosmo party anyways.

Your next point: “According to a recent estimate, fantasy football drains $9 billion out of workplace productivity."

Counterpoint: Fuck you. Drains $9 billion?? How about the fact that 90% of the people I talk to are having their lives drained from their bodies just by the fact that they have to schlep into work year-round at jobs that they hate anyways. Why do you think I have to write this blog?! It’s so I don’t kill myself, sir.

Let me guess your response: “Well you put yourself in that position. Get a job you enjoy.”

Dude. It’s not the job. It’s “JOBS”. People like me don’t like spending 80% of our week busting our asses just so we can enjoy 2 measly days off. We’re stuck in the Matrix. And to get out of the Matrix, we need the fake fix: Fantasy football.

"Plus, our obsession keeps getting stranger. For example, 11 big-city mayors from across the country are competing against one another for charity in a Yahoo! fantasy-football league this year. And they're really getting into it, which is great, because if there's one thing struggling cities like Buffalo, N.Y., and Oakland, Calif., need, it's their mayors debating a tight-end swap between budget meetings.”

Why are you busting on mayors that are donating to charity? Do you hate children or something?

This guy goes on and on about how bad he sucks, by way of making fun of fantasy football. For instance: "But if you still think fantasy-dork mayors are a head scratcher..." and "It also says, I know how to spend money on stupid stuff." It's just infuriating. His wife must freakin' own him. I couldn't find his email address but I'm assuming you can send complaints to SeanGregory.HugePussy.Time.com

In summary, the trophies, the customized T-shirts, beer coozies, pong cups, money, camaraderie, excitement and good times are very REAL. And you sir, are a douche.

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