A recent study found that Jessica Biel is giving men everywhere dirty viruses, but refusing to fuck them. Yes, 1 in 5 Biel searches online yields some sort of security threat to computers, but 0 in every 300,000 men who search for her actually end up having intercourse.
One desperate Biel searcher, Neo4569, summed up his frustrations by saying, “I’ve searched for Jessica at her home, at her fitness club, at movie premieres, at Justin’s house… even at restaurants I know she’s been to. And the only place I ever actually find her is on the Internet. And this is how she repays me?! If you’re out there reading this, I’m very hurt, Jingle Bells.”
Neo4569 declined to comment on the virus Ms. Biel gave him, but he verified that it was not herpes and that he in fact has never touched the female anatomy.
Editorial note: Searching for these pictures was absolutely awful.
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