SPENCER PRATT: "I PROMISE TO HEID MY SPERM."

Well informed, the couple tries to stop the spread of themselves to others.

Spencer Pratt reports to the world that he is withholding sex because he’s afraid that she’ll get pregnant by getting off the pill without telling him. Jesus Christ! Even Spencer knows how fucking awful it would be if these two fuck-tards procreated!

TOP 5 SIGNS YOU’RE A LOSER:

5) You refer to yourself and your wife as “Speidi.”

4) Your biggest life accomplishment is having no friends.

3) You de-friend yourself from Brody Jenner’s pussy posse. Seriously. That dude
gets ass and you could’ve had the leftovers.

2) Your wife does Playboy… without getting naked. Way to keep your dignity, Heidi.
I’d rather beat off to those Nat. Geo. pics of the African women.

1) You can’t bear the thought of creating a baby in your own likeness.

Spencer also mentions in the article that he’d love to go on a double-date with the Obamas. Honestly. FUCK YOU. What do you have in common with the president? Is your BMW black?

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Bookmark this on Delicious

PREGNANT CHICK: “MORE SPERM PLEASE!”

A woman in Arkansas has conceived a baby … 2 weeks after conceiving a baby. Yep, her husband plowed through to her eggs on 2 separate occasions, resulting in 2 different pregnancies inside aahhONE vaginski. Or at least that’s the story they’re going with.

I can’t wait until 1 of these babies ends up being black and the other 1 white. I hope they solve racism inside the womb and come out holding hands. Then again, Arkansas IS in the south. Racism has a better chance of ending in Michael Richards’ home than in the south.

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Bookmark this on Delicious

OH MAN, POLANSKI

So Roman Polanski, the famous Director of such films as Rosemary's Baby and The Pianist, finally got arrested for his absurd sex crime in the '70's. "What crime," you say? Well, it's nothing really. You see, he was about 45 years old and he drugged and raped a 13-year old girl. No biggie. He pleaded guilty, but left the U.S. to settle in France before the arraignment. Now France is showing unity in trying to get Polanski off the hook. Question: Why would you want to let a rapist off the hook?! If Michelangelo painted the Sistene Chapel, and celebrated by throwing babies off of the roof, does he get a free pass?

Here's a quote from the article:

"He's a brilliant guy, and he made a little mistake 32 years ago. What a shame for Switzerland," said photographer Otto Weisser, a friend of Polanski.

Yeah, what a fucking shame for Switzerland. I can't believe people would do this to Roman. I mean, forget about the child who was raped by a 40-year old man. Little mistake there. What does it take for you to call something a "big" mistake, sir?

"Did you hear about 9-11?"

"Oh yeah. Awful. What an awful mistake those terrorits made. They need, like, a big hug or something."

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Laws of Probability.

Bookmark this on Delicious

VICK GROWS STRONGER. PANTHERS, FALCONS, BEARS, AND JAGUARS FEAR FOR LIFE.

As Michael Vick gets better with each practice, teams like the Broncos, Panthers, and Falcons are starting to worry. In fact, every team with an animal mascot is metaphorically shitting their pants.

One Panthers Defenseman, who prefers to remain anonymous, believes it’s only a matter of time before Vick tries to kill again. “Man, he done fucked them dogs up. As a Panther, I have to be worried for my safety. I’m always on the defensive these days.”

Rabid Cleveland Browns fans, known as “the Dog Pound” reportedly urinated all over the carpet upon hearing of Vick’s return to the NFL. The owner of the Browns immediately pushed their noses in the carpet, yelling, “Bad dogs! You know we don’t play the Eagles this year! Bad!”

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Bat To the Future.

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Stereotrues

Bookmark this on Delicious

BANK HEIST FOILED BY FLYING BLUE-HAIR

From the Huffington Post comes sweet footage of a senior citizen taking out a would-be bank robber. This “old man” goes Jimmy Superfly Snuka on the bank robber in an awesome display of don’t-fuck-with-my-benjamins-ism.

You must feel like a heaping pile of FAIL after getting the crap kicked out of you by old man river. But let’s face it, he probably had a ton of Dad Strength built up. And the robber probably only had Baby-Daddy Strength, which is not as strong. And that’s not a comment on race. That’s a comment on people with ghetto strolls who rob banks.

Dad Strength comes from years of putting up with your child’s shit and trying your best to correct his/her idiotic behavior, leading to thick skin and an unconscionable amount hidden muscle. It’s almost as scary as Retard Strength.

Baby-Daddy Strength comes from sinkin’ the missile into the closest skank around, ending up on Maury for a paternity test, and then being taken to court for child support monies, generally leading to a bank heist to support said monies.

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Modern-day romance

Bookmark this on Delicious

COYOTE UGLY!

Friends have deep concerns that Jessica Simpson is going into deep depression, because her darling Maltipoo dog, Daisy, was … wait for it … taken in a coyote attack! Ahahaha! How fucking random is that?! And apparently, this dog and Jessica Simpson were beeeest friends EVER. I bet they even got their respective periods at the same time.

Simpson is still hopeful to find her beloved friend, which was a gift from Nick Lachey and was her savior after the Tony Romo split. Hey Jessica, there’s been another split recently: YOUR DOG INSIDE OF A COYOTE’S MOUTH. As a dog lover, a part of me feels her pain. But your dog cannot be your best friend, or else you risk your best friend being taken by a fucking coyote. Sure, I’ve been out with friends at bars, and one of them has been dragged away by a Cougar, but that’s different. The Cougar will fuck you and pay for your taxi home. The coyote will just swallow you whole. Actually, a Cougar will do that, too. Hmmm …

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

The truth hurts.

Bookmark this on Delicious

THE HOFF GETS OFF... THE WAGON.

It seems the sad tale of David Hasselhoff's booze abuse has taken another turn for the worse. His daughter, who continually calls the cops on his drunk ass, had to do it again this past weekend at their Cali home.

Of course, there is another way to look at this: Don't fucking tell David Hasselhoff how to live his life! That's Michael Knight you're talking about. The man is a superhero in Germany for his MUSICAL abilities. His job used to be to sit next to Pam Anderson. And not Pam Anderson now. Pam Anderson when her vagina was more pristine than the hands of God. And now he's the judge of "America's Got Talent." You know who's got talent? David Hasselhoff. The man magically continues to pull off getting shit-faced when the whole world is trying to stop him. Suck on that, David Blaine. So everyone, just leave the Hoff alone.... because I have him in my celebrity Death Pool. I need this.

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Bookmark this on Delicious

ODD NEWS STORIES DOWN, BEASTIALITY UP.

I can't find shit to write about. It's like, either the Yankees won a game or someone was raped, killed, and put inside of a wall at Yale. There's no middle ground this week. Why can't Hillary Clinton's tit fall out or something? Hell, at this rate I'll take Rush Limbaugh's tit. Those fucking "tea party" freaks make me want to stab babies. Ignorance is alive and well, and I'd laugh my ass off if it didn't make me want to cry. I don't care if you're for or against health-care, but if you're a fat inbreeder from the South who's waiting for the revival of the KKK, you should probably just shoot yourself in the face instead of continuing to shoot yourself in the foot. Your mouth is either choking on ignorance or a Whopper, and both are unsightly.

I miss the days when Kanye was doing dumb shit. Click on that link. Well worth it. At the same time, you know you're big when the fucking President calls you a jack-ass. You just got presidentially punked, bitch! That's quite an honor.

Then again, he's not the only one getting caught on tape. Legendary NYC anchorman Ernie Anastos is telling co-workers to fuck chickens. At my job, when you talk about chicken fucking, you're referring to Saturday night. I'm not sure what will happen to good ol' Ernie at FOX News.

So in summary, I wish there was more to talk about than beastiality, but sometimes you have to take what you can get. Unless you get AIDS. Then you should really try to trade up.

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Office Morale

Bookmark this on Delicious

BILLS PLAYER: "WHY DOES MY LAWN LOOK LIKE A RACIAL SLUR?"

Two teens have admitted to defacing Leodis McKelvin’s lawn after his gaffe against New England, running the ball out of the endzone and fumbling for another devastating Bills loss. McKelvin has graciously decided not to press charges.

I’m assuming these kids spray-painted a dick on his lawn or something, but I can only imagine what they would’ve done had they been around for the Norwood wide-right?! We probably would’ve found his corpse bent over a goal post with a penalty flag hanging out of his ass. Oh, you didn't eat lunch yet? Visualize that one with your chicken wrap.

Bookmark this on Delicious

THICK HEADS- The Strip

Friday yet?

Bookmark this on Delicious

PHILLIE FAN: "MY 2-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS A BITCH."

Hearts break for this grown man today. I was once at Yankee Stadium and a foul ball went off of my hands and fell to the next level. It was nothing but pure embarrassment and shame on my part. And this man selflessly gives up the proudest moment of his life, only to have his cold-hearted kin toss his dreams aside like a cigarette out the window. Someday this girl is going to stomp all over cowardly men who like to be dominated by the women in their lives. If you're reading this, and you're one of those men, now is the time to go home and stand up for yourself. Because this video teaches us one thing: Never hand your balls over to a woman.

Bookmark this on Delicious