"Mischa's horror"
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Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
VERMONT MAN LOVES TOILET, HATES SON.
Someone's got a case of the Mondays!! Local Vershire, VT. drunkard, Nazeih Hammouri, has been arrested for stabbing his 19-year old son over a clogged toilet. Obviously, the stabbing weapon of choice was a corkscrew. Hey Nazeih, next time you’re going to get shit-faced on wine, just take the bag out of the box. If you slap someone with a huge bag of wine, it hurts. But does it leave a mark? Maybe not.
Just judging by my own levels of drunkenness, I'm assuming this guy shit-bombed the dickens out of his own toilet, completely forgot about it, blamed his son, and then cork-stabbed him. Awesome. "How's your week going? Mine SUCKS."
On the plus side for his son, many backwoods drunks probably stab their children with their penises instead of actual weapons.
So congratulations to you, Nazeih’s son, on not being banged by your father! Cheers!
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Friday, October 16, 2009
HOT CHICK FRIDAYS!
Is it already Friday again? I'm heading to the Yankees playoff game tonight, so I will be highly aroused all day. For the rest of you, there's HCFridays...
I bet if I was a shark, I wouldn't try to eat her. I'd be too embarrassed by my big shark-boner.
What is that frilly bottom all about? It's incredibly sexy and I have no idea why. Is your leg wet? Is that why you're rubbing it? Do you want me to dry your leg? I could dry your leg. Do you want me to? Dry? Your leg?
This is rare. Here we have an Asian girl with bombs from Texas. This girl is the anthropomorphization of those restaurants that offer both Mexican food and General Tsao's chicken. Did that big word ruin the joke for you? Don't test me! I swear to god i'll get an abortion!
Another girl taking a picture of herself. Classier than most, this one is kind enough to throw a middle finger into the mix. INSERT FINGER JOKE HERE.... Beautiful camera though.
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Thursday, October 15, 2009
ABORTION ADDICT: “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!”
Irene Vilar has written a new book in which she claims addiction to the thrill, fear, and rebelliousness of abortions. Over 17 years she had 15 abortions, all in the name of empowering herself over her mentally abusive husband.
Daaaaamn! The last time you “rebelled” against anyone, you probably watched football at the bar ‘til 7pm when your wife wanted you home at 6. Way to show her who’s boss, big guy! Not Irene Vilar. Mountain Dew needs to get a contract together ASAP, cuz this bitch is EXTREME!!!!!
HUSBAND:
“Excuse me, Irene. I was thinking we could go to Italy for vacation this year.”
IRENE:
“Good idea, IDIOT! I’m gonna go kill a baby. Try to think of a better place next time.”
HUSBAND:
“Dinner was great. Could you get me a beer?”
IRENE:
“You don’t OWN ME! I’m gonna go kill our baby.”
HUSBAND:
“What do you think of a threesome?”
IRENE:
“You insensitive dick! I’m gonna go buy a 6-pack of hangers.”
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
MILK, MILK, LEMONADE ...
I don’t have any background on European farmers and their fight against low milk prices, but I found this image incredibly disturbing. I’m not worried about the cows or animal cruelty or things of that nature. I’m worried about the same thing you are: A world where cows take over and make us their bitches. Because if that happens, then THIS will happen:
Cow semen-farmers will someday wage a battle against the cow government based on plummeting prices of human semen. And then the cows will take me and their other humans to Picadilly Square or Times Square or Tiananmen fucking Square, and they’ll start beating me off and pointing my dick at the cow riot squad and squirting my semen at cow police officers. And that will just be the most embarrassing fucking thing in the world. I’ll orgasm, my knees will buckle in ecstasy, I’ll no doubt start crying, and I’ll probably simultaneously get run into by a cow.
On the plus side, that’s one less thing to worry about on my bucket list.
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Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
SWEET FLIP FAIL MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE LESS OF A LOSER.
Doesn't really matter what your week was like or what you have planned for the weekend. This video will make you feel better about life ... unless you are a paraplegic, in which case, thanks for reading, anyways. Keep on keepin' on, friend.
If you've never been to Fail Blog, you probably still use dial-up or "have kids" that "need" "attention."
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Thursday, October 8, 2009
That is one HOT teacher!
Sylvia Tagle, a teacher in Miami Lakes, Florida, was put on probation after she spiked an autistic student’s soda with hot sauce. She had also been accused of pulling a student’s hair and not changing soiled diapers. Well, Satan, err, Sylvia, now that your iron fist reign on Autistics has come to an end, I just want to give you some fun, whimsical choices to keep your days light and your smiles plentiful.
1) What time does the retard class start? I’d recommend giving the ones that can stand wedgies, and just pushing the ones in wheel chairs down stairs.
2) Although banging a younger student is clearly a cliché for teachers in the south these days, you could really set a new precedent by banging a blind 9-year old, or at least letting him play “Who’s in My Mouth” with you.
3) Ever need extra cash? Start a babysitting service, and then when the parents leave just shake the shit out of them.
4) Punch your grandfather, or someone that looks real old.
5) Chop a puppy’s head off.
6) In the ultimate revenge on the Autism-loving sons-of-bitches, have your own children.
TAKE THAT AUTISM! SYLVIA DON’T NEED YOU!
This list could go on for centuries, and I welcome readers’ additional thoughts in the comments section.
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Wednesday, October 7, 2009
MUSLIMS: “WE DON’T SCORE WITH GAYS.”
In Paris, a Muslim club soccer team Creteil Bebel, has refused to step on the field against the Paris Foot Gay squad, citing religious issues.
Man, way to give up a sure-fire W, Creteil Bebel. You’re playing a full team of light-in-the-loafer lispers who spent the whole pre-season picking out the PERFECT design elements for a FABULOUS team “costume.”
As Biggie once said, “Religion and sports don’t mix, like two dicks.” Or something to that affect. The point is, what does your belief in your God have to do with winning the playoffs?! If you really want to prove that you hate homosexuals, get out there and post a shutout. This is just like when the opposing high school team has a female wrestler and the guy on your team refuses to wrestle her, “because it’s not fair.” You’re afraid to lose to gay ball-kickers!
Creteil Bebel, you might not believe that one relationship should ever involve two dicks, but your actions make your team look like one big bunch of pussies.
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Tuesday, October 6, 2009
SHOCKING NEW FIND: WILD BEARS ARE BAD PETS.
A Pennsylvania woman who was married to an exotic pet dealer was mauled to death by a black bear last weekend. Is it too late to nominate this guy for Husband Of the Year?
Listen buddy. If you want to deal exotic animals … if that’s your fuckin’ thing … then do it yourself. This isn’t landscaping. You’re not asking her for helping planting daffodils. You’re asking your wife to clean shit out of a Black Fucking Bear’s cage. What, you just couldn’t miss the 5 p.m. news that day?? Carburetor needed cleaning? Well now you have to clean the bear cage, and it’s a little messier than it was before. Ya know, cuz it’s got your wife’s body all over it.
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Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
THICK POETRY
"Morning Constitutional"
Early yesterday,
I sat in a grey tiled room
quietly twisting
as an accordion might be
deftly pinched and stretched
by the calloused hands of wierd al yankovic
and perhaps not altogether by chance
I thought of you.
Later, when the time came
I, softly pressing my foot
onto the chrome handle,
watched the water surge and swell
and with it also grew within my chest
the horror and disbelief
of a clogged industrial toilet
at school.
~Shit House Poet (SHP)
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Friday, October 2, 2009
HOT CHICK FRIDAYS!
Yes, I used to think I was above this. But fuck it. Papa needs viewers! Enjoy...
They must be right in the middle of doing laundry. The only thing dry is their belts! Or whatever the fuck those things are! Yaaaay LAUNDRY!!
What's this, the auditions for CougarTown?? Ya know what? Not that bad of a show. Shocked me as much as anyone.
At first I thought these girls were twins. Then I realized they had heads.
Mother of the Year? Or MotherFucker of the Year? I bet dessert gets real weird at this house.
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Thursday, October 1, 2009
A SECOND LOOK AT SHIT-POOL-MAN!!!
Some 21-year old shit-head was arrested in Florida for running around nude, covered in feces, and jumping into a stranger’s pool. The man, Robert Higgins (who I will call Bob), admitted to drinking.
Never has an article affected me so deeply. What roads lead to this dark place of running around naked covered in feces? Do we choose our own path in life, or is every move already pre-determined for us? If the latter is true, what does Bob think of God today? Bob probably went to school, had some girlfriends, tried some drugs, had a paper route, etc. But do you think he woke up on September 26th expecting the night to end with him doused in shit and running the streets naked? Nay, fine reader. I think not.
Then again, what if Boberto woke up with full knowledge of his evening? Maybe he was giddy with delight while his mom made him eggs that morning. And maybe when she called his name and he climbed the stairs up to the kitchen, and the light hit his sunken-back eyes, all he saw was himself in a shit-shower. Perhaps he had wanted to fuck a horse for quite some time. He could’ve been collecting diarrhea for months.
There’s just too much to digest here. The meaning of life is buried deep beneath this story and like a peanut hidden deep inside a turd, I can’t seem to get to the bottom of it.
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IT’S A BIRD. IT’S A PLANE. IT’S … SHIT-POOL-MAN!!!!
ANGLE 1 ON THIS STORY BELOW. ANGLE 2 COMING LATER TODAY. JUST TOO MANY THOUGHTS FOR 1 POST.
Some 21-year old shit-head was arrested in Florida for running around nude, covered in feces, and jumping into a stranger’s pool. The man, Robert Higgins (who I will call Bob), admitted to drinking.
Wow. I mean… wow. We’ve all taken some bad turns. Done some stupid things. Had some unidentifiable rashes. But what chain of events lead you to this pinnacle of greatness??
I can think of a good 300 times when I’ve consumed more alcohol than was necessary or even safe, and never once has it resulted in a situation where I was A) naked, plus B) in the immediate proximity of shit buckets, plus C) stricken with the compulsion to place that shit all over myself.
I guess I’m just not that big of a partier.
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Wednesday, September 30, 2009
SPENCER PRATT: "I PROMISE TO HEID MY SPERM."
Well informed, the couple tries to stop the spread of themselves to others.
Spencer Pratt reports to the world that he is withholding sex because he’s afraid that she’ll get pregnant by getting off the pill without telling him. Jesus Christ! Even Spencer knows how fucking awful it would be if these two fuck-tards procreated!
TOP 5 SIGNS YOU’RE A LOSER:
5) You refer to yourself and your wife as “Speidi.”
4) Your biggest life accomplishment is having no friends.
3) You de-friend yourself from Brody Jenner’s pussy posse. Seriously. That dude
gets ass and you could’ve had the leftovers.
2) Your wife does Playboy… without getting naked. Way to keep your dignity, Heidi.
I’d rather beat off to those Nat. Geo. pics of the African women.
1) You can’t bear the thought of creating a baby in your own likeness.
Spencer also mentions in the article that he’d love to go on a double-date with the Obamas. Honestly. FUCK YOU. What do you have in common with the president? Is your BMW black?
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Tuesday, September 29, 2009
PREGNANT CHICK: “MORE SPERM PLEASE!”
A woman in Arkansas has conceived a baby … 2 weeks after conceiving a baby. Yep, her husband plowed through to her eggs on 2 separate occasions, resulting in 2 different pregnancies inside aahhONE vaginski. Or at least that’s the story they’re going with.
I can’t wait until 1 of these babies ends up being black and the other 1 white. I hope they solve racism inside the womb and come out holding hands. Then again, Arkansas IS in the south. Racism has a better chance of ending in Michael Richards’ home than in the south.
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Monday, September 28, 2009
OH MAN, POLANSKI
So Roman Polanski, the famous Director of such films as Rosemary's Baby and The Pianist, finally got arrested for his absurd sex crime in the '70's. "What crime," you say? Well, it's nothing really. You see, he was about 45 years old and he drugged and raped a 13-year old girl. No biggie. He pleaded guilty, but left the U.S. to settle in France before the arraignment. Now France is showing unity in trying to get Polanski off the hook. Question: Why would you want to let a rapist off the hook?! If Michelangelo painted the Sistene Chapel, and celebrated by throwing babies off of the roof, does he get a free pass?
Here's a quote from the article:
"He's a brilliant guy, and he made a little mistake 32 years ago. What a shame for Switzerland," said photographer Otto Weisser, a friend of Polanski.
Yeah, what a fucking shame for Switzerland. I can't believe people would do this to Roman. I mean, forget about the child who was raped by a 40-year old man. Little mistake there. What does it take for you to call something a "big" mistake, sir?
"Did you hear about 9-11?"
"Oh yeah. Awful. What an awful mistake those terrorits made. They need, like, a big hug or something."
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Friday, September 25, 2009
VICK GROWS STRONGER. PANTHERS, FALCONS, BEARS, AND JAGUARS FEAR FOR LIFE.
As Michael Vick gets better with each practice, teams like the Broncos, Panthers, and Falcons are starting to worry. In fact, every team with an animal mascot is metaphorically shitting their pants.
One Panthers Defenseman, who prefers to remain anonymous, believes it’s only a matter of time before Vick tries to kill again. “Man, he done fucked them dogs up. As a Panther, I have to be worried for my safety. I’m always on the defensive these days.”
Rabid Cleveland Browns fans, known as “the Dog Pound” reportedly urinated all over the carpet upon hearing of Vick’s return to the NFL. The owner of the Browns immediately pushed their noses in the carpet, yelling, “Bad dogs! You know we don’t play the Eagles this year! Bad!”
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Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
BANK HEIST FOILED BY FLYING BLUE-HAIR
From the Huffington Post comes sweet footage of a senior citizen taking out a would-be bank robber. This “old man” goes Jimmy Superfly Snuka on the bank robber in an awesome display of don’t-fuck-with-my-benjamins-ism.
You must feel like a heaping pile of FAIL after getting the crap kicked out of you by old man river. But let’s face it, he probably had a ton of Dad Strength built up. And the robber probably only had Baby-Daddy Strength, which is not as strong. And that’s not a comment on race. That’s a comment on people with ghetto strolls who rob banks.
Dad Strength comes from years of putting up with your child’s shit and trying your best to correct his/her idiotic behavior, leading to thick skin and an unconscionable amount hidden muscle. It’s almost as scary as Retard Strength.
Baby-Daddy Strength comes from sinkin’ the missile into the closest skank around, ending up on Maury for a paternity test, and then being taken to court for child support monies, generally leading to a bank heist to support said monies.
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Tuesday, September 22, 2009
COYOTE UGLY!
Friends have deep concerns that Jessica Simpson is going into deep depression, because her darling Maltipoo dog, Daisy, was … wait for it … taken in a coyote attack! Ahahaha! How fucking random is that?! And apparently, this dog and Jessica Simpson were beeeest friends EVER. I bet they even got their respective periods at the same time.
Simpson is still hopeful to find her beloved friend, which was a gift from Nick Lachey and was her savior after the Tony Romo split. Hey Jessica, there’s been another split recently: YOUR DOG INSIDE OF A COYOTE’S MOUTH. As a dog lover, a part of me feels her pain. But your dog cannot be your best friend, or else you risk your best friend being taken by a fucking coyote. Sure, I’ve been out with friends at bars, and one of them has been dragged away by a Cougar, but that’s different. The Cougar will fuck you and pay for your taxi home. The coyote will just swallow you whole. Actually, a Cougar will do that, too. Hmmm …
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