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Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
VERMONT MAN LOVES TOILET, HATES SON.
Someone's got a case of the Mondays!! Local Vershire, VT. drunkard, Nazeih Hammouri, has been arrested for stabbing his 19-year old son over a clogged toilet. Obviously, the stabbing weapon of choice was a corkscrew. Hey Nazeih, next time you’re going to get shit-faced on wine, just take the bag out of the box. If you slap someone with a huge bag of wine, it hurts. But does it leave a mark? Maybe not.
Just judging by my own levels of drunkenness, I'm assuming this guy shit-bombed the dickens out of his own toilet, completely forgot about it, blamed his son, and then cork-stabbed him. Awesome. "How's your week going? Mine SUCKS."
On the plus side for his son, many backwoods drunks probably stab their children with their penises instead of actual weapons.
So congratulations to you, Nazeih’s son, on not being banged by your father! Cheers!
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Friday, October 16, 2009
HOT CHICK FRIDAYS!
Is it already Friday again? I'm heading to the Yankees playoff game tonight, so I will be highly aroused all day. For the rest of you, there's HCFridays...
I bet if I was a shark, I wouldn't try to eat her. I'd be too embarrassed by my big shark-boner.
What is that frilly bottom all about? It's incredibly sexy and I have no idea why. Is your leg wet? Is that why you're rubbing it? Do you want me to dry your leg? I could dry your leg. Do you want me to? Dry? Your leg?
This is rare. Here we have an Asian girl with bombs from Texas. This girl is the anthropomorphization of those restaurants that offer both Mexican food and General Tsao's chicken. Did that big word ruin the joke for you? Don't test me! I swear to god i'll get an abortion!
Another girl taking a picture of herself. Classier than most, this one is kind enough to throw a middle finger into the mix. INSERT FINGER JOKE HERE.... Beautiful camera though.
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Thursday, October 15, 2009
ABORTION ADDICT: “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!”
Irene Vilar has written a new book in which she claims addiction to the thrill, fear, and rebelliousness of abortions. Over 17 years she had 15 abortions, all in the name of empowering herself over her mentally abusive husband.
Daaaaamn! The last time you “rebelled” against anyone, you probably watched football at the bar ‘til 7pm when your wife wanted you home at 6. Way to show her who’s boss, big guy! Not Irene Vilar. Mountain Dew needs to get a contract together ASAP, cuz this bitch is EXTREME!!!!!
HUSBAND:
“Excuse me, Irene. I was thinking we could go to Italy for vacation this year.”
IRENE:
“Good idea, IDIOT! I’m gonna go kill a baby. Try to think of a better place next time.”
HUSBAND:
“Dinner was great. Could you get me a beer?”
IRENE:
“You don’t OWN ME! I’m gonna go kill our baby.”
HUSBAND:
“What do you think of a threesome?”
IRENE:
“You insensitive dick! I’m gonna go buy a 6-pack of hangers.”
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
MILK, MILK, LEMONADE ...
I don’t have any background on European farmers and their fight against low milk prices, but I found this image incredibly disturbing. I’m not worried about the cows or animal cruelty or things of that nature. I’m worried about the same thing you are: A world where cows take over and make us their bitches. Because if that happens, then THIS will happen:
Cow semen-farmers will someday wage a battle against the cow government based on plummeting prices of human semen. And then the cows will take me and their other humans to Picadilly Square or Times Square or Tiananmen fucking Square, and they’ll start beating me off and pointing my dick at the cow riot squad and squirting my semen at cow police officers. And that will just be the most embarrassing fucking thing in the world. I’ll orgasm, my knees will buckle in ecstasy, I’ll no doubt start crying, and I’ll probably simultaneously get run into by a cow.
On the plus side, that’s one less thing to worry about on my bucket list.
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Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
SWEET FLIP FAIL MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE LESS OF A LOSER.
Doesn't really matter what your week was like or what you have planned for the weekend. This video will make you feel better about life ... unless you are a paraplegic, in which case, thanks for reading, anyways. Keep on keepin' on, friend.
If you've never been to Fail Blog, you probably still use dial-up or "have kids" that "need" "attention."
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Thursday, October 8, 2009
That is one HOT teacher!
Sylvia Tagle, a teacher in Miami Lakes, Florida, was put on probation after she spiked an autistic student’s soda with hot sauce. She had also been accused of pulling a student’s hair and not changing soiled diapers. Well, Satan, err, Sylvia, now that your iron fist reign on Autistics has come to an end, I just want to give you some fun, whimsical choices to keep your days light and your smiles plentiful.
1) What time does the retard class start? I’d recommend giving the ones that can stand wedgies, and just pushing the ones in wheel chairs down stairs.
2) Although banging a younger student is clearly a cliché for teachers in the south these days, you could really set a new precedent by banging a blind 9-year old, or at least letting him play “Who’s in My Mouth” with you.
3) Ever need extra cash? Start a babysitting service, and then when the parents leave just shake the shit out of them.
4) Punch your grandfather, or someone that looks real old.
5) Chop a puppy’s head off.
6) In the ultimate revenge on the Autism-loving sons-of-bitches, have your own children.
TAKE THAT AUTISM! SYLVIA DON’T NEED YOU!
This list could go on for centuries, and I welcome readers’ additional thoughts in the comments section.
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Wednesday, October 7, 2009
MUSLIMS: “WE DON’T SCORE WITH GAYS.”
In Paris, a Muslim club soccer team Creteil Bebel, has refused to step on the field against the Paris Foot Gay squad, citing religious issues.
Man, way to give up a sure-fire W, Creteil Bebel. You’re playing a full team of light-in-the-loafer lispers who spent the whole pre-season picking out the PERFECT design elements for a FABULOUS team “costume.”
As Biggie once said, “Religion and sports don’t mix, like two dicks.” Or something to that affect. The point is, what does your belief in your God have to do with winning the playoffs?! If you really want to prove that you hate homosexuals, get out there and post a shutout. This is just like when the opposing high school team has a female wrestler and the guy on your team refuses to wrestle her, “because it’s not fair.” You’re afraid to lose to gay ball-kickers!
Creteil Bebel, you might not believe that one relationship should ever involve two dicks, but your actions make your team look like one big bunch of pussies.
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Tuesday, October 6, 2009
SHOCKING NEW FIND: WILD BEARS ARE BAD PETS.
A Pennsylvania woman who was married to an exotic pet dealer was mauled to death by a black bear last weekend. Is it too late to nominate this guy for Husband Of the Year?
Listen buddy. If you want to deal exotic animals … if that’s your fuckin’ thing … then do it yourself. This isn’t landscaping. You’re not asking her for helping planting daffodils. You’re asking your wife to clean shit out of a Black Fucking Bear’s cage. What, you just couldn’t miss the 5 p.m. news that day?? Carburetor needed cleaning? Well now you have to clean the bear cage, and it’s a little messier than it was before. Ya know, cuz it’s got your wife’s body all over it.
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Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
THICK POETRY
"Morning Constitutional"
Early yesterday,
I sat in a grey tiled room
quietly twisting
as an accordion might be
deftly pinched and stretched
by the calloused hands of wierd al yankovic
and perhaps not altogether by chance
I thought of you.
Later, when the time came
I, softly pressing my foot
onto the chrome handle,
watched the water surge and swell
and with it also grew within my chest
the horror and disbelief
of a clogged industrial toilet
at school.
~Shit House Poet (SHP)
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Friday, October 2, 2009
HOT CHICK FRIDAYS!
Yes, I used to think I was above this. But fuck it. Papa needs viewers! Enjoy...
They must be right in the middle of doing laundry. The only thing dry is their belts! Or whatever the fuck those things are! Yaaaay LAUNDRY!!
What's this, the auditions for CougarTown?? Ya know what? Not that bad of a show. Shocked me as much as anyone.
At first I thought these girls were twins. Then I realized they had heads.
Mother of the Year? Or MotherFucker of the Year? I bet dessert gets real weird at this house.
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Thursday, October 1, 2009
A SECOND LOOK AT SHIT-POOL-MAN!!!
Some 21-year old shit-head was arrested in Florida for running around nude, covered in feces, and jumping into a stranger’s pool. The man, Robert Higgins (who I will call Bob), admitted to drinking.
Never has an article affected me so deeply. What roads lead to this dark place of running around naked covered in feces? Do we choose our own path in life, or is every move already pre-determined for us? If the latter is true, what does Bob think of God today? Bob probably went to school, had some girlfriends, tried some drugs, had a paper route, etc. But do you think he woke up on September 26th expecting the night to end with him doused in shit and running the streets naked? Nay, fine reader. I think not.
Then again, what if Boberto woke up with full knowledge of his evening? Maybe he was giddy with delight while his mom made him eggs that morning. And maybe when she called his name and he climbed the stairs up to the kitchen, and the light hit his sunken-back eyes, all he saw was himself in a shit-shower. Perhaps he had wanted to fuck a horse for quite some time. He could’ve been collecting diarrhea for months.
There’s just too much to digest here. The meaning of life is buried deep beneath this story and like a peanut hidden deep inside a turd, I can’t seem to get to the bottom of it.
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IT’S A BIRD. IT’S A PLANE. IT’S … SHIT-POOL-MAN!!!!
ANGLE 1 ON THIS STORY BELOW. ANGLE 2 COMING LATER TODAY. JUST TOO MANY THOUGHTS FOR 1 POST.
Some 21-year old shit-head was arrested in Florida for running around nude, covered in feces, and jumping into a stranger’s pool. The man, Robert Higgins (who I will call Bob), admitted to drinking.
Wow. I mean… wow. We’ve all taken some bad turns. Done some stupid things. Had some unidentifiable rashes. But what chain of events lead you to this pinnacle of greatness??
I can think of a good 300 times when I’ve consumed more alcohol than was necessary or even safe, and never once has it resulted in a situation where I was A) naked, plus B) in the immediate proximity of shit buckets, plus C) stricken with the compulsion to place that shit all over myself.
I guess I’m just not that big of a partier.
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